“Federal officials are cracking down on entreprenuerial quacks trying to make a fast buck on SARS fears online.”

“Well, if you were watching, uh, last night, you may recall we told you that mental health experts in Portland, Oregon, need someone who can speak fluent Klingon, because some of thier clients refuse to speak anything but. That’s right, we said Klingon, the language inspired by Star Trek.”

“Experts say if this simple lesson isn’t learned by more kids, by 2030 half of our nation’s children will be obese.”

“Late today, 38-year-old Deana Leany, who told investigators God ordered her to kill her children, was charged with beating her three young sons with rocks, and killing two of them.”

“The National Rifle Association has put enormous pressure on Congress to let the assault weapon ban expire next year.”

“In New York today, a 60-year-old woman acknowledged that she was the former White House intern who had an affair with President John F. Kennedy, and she was just 19 years old at the time.”

“You knew Bigfoot intimately.”

“Oh yes, I slept with him for 60 years.”