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Adv’t: Professional Worrier Wanted

Richard Grayson

 

Leave the worrying to professionals,
and live your lives.

— Michael Bloomberg, Mayor of New York City

 

Manhattan family (working couple & son, 15) seeks professional worrier, must be certified (Generalized Anxiety Disorder diagnosis preferred), to perform weekly worrying duties re: possibilities of terror attacks (e.g., “dirty” bombings on Upper West Side; mail anthrax threats; biochemical attacks on W. Side IRT; suicide bombers at Zabar’s, Fairway, Citarella, H&H; random shootings at Reformed synagogue; possibility of asphyxiation due to duct tape/plastic sheeting; systemized computer attack on AOL; further dislocations in economy resulting from catastrophic loss of life and/or office space). English-speaker, references required. Live-in only, need worrying assistance 24/7. Excellent pay & benefits (health plan will pay for Klonopin). Contact Box 911 Times.

   

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